Memento mori

Maybe it seems unreal, maybe it might be the time, which made my memories fade to beauty, but either way, I would like to clarify my past self, as sincerely as possible. It not only helps me understand myself, and you understanding my feelings, but it gives a nice frame to my emotions for you. So to begin with, I welcome you. These are my recollections, as I remember them. Take care as you read, they might hurt, but I cherish those also, because even though we'd been trough some serious shit, there weren't a week, I would not think about You. Uppercase Y. For the reasons? I do not have any, but maybe, this might be most wholehearted reason I could ever give. I wouldn't like to change things, so yes, I did not want anything from you. Ahh, such a big lie. It's not like I didn't want. It's that I wouldn't want to want things from you. A world, without you not granting my wish... It was a sweet, gracious lie.

So, to put it simply, after summer came, my lovelife was all about finding my way back, to whom I once was. Ambivalent feelings crossed my heart many times, as I started to think about things in the past. One time, I thought I had been a fool for you, the next time, I felt a kind of a twinge of conscience, for being rude to you. My only safeguard was that I really wanted to be loved by you. And so I hurt you in the process. But the saying goes, we hurt the ones, we love the most... And yet, this might not justify that. Anyways, you said, "you had enough fun with me". My lady, I swear - and maybe, you will not agree with me, and say, "I hurt you more" - but the harm, complaints I gave you were all enough for me, and I would not ever want to hurt you again.

You would be surprised, but mother and father asked me how you were. I replied, I do not know, we aren't sustaining any contact. But we shared something, that even my letdown could not blot out. It was our memories, our nearly first kiss in the hypermarket, how I thought you did not want me, and how you sealed it with a kiss... Yet, I still felt something aching. Like something had been bothering me. How you were? Were you like... happy? And sometimes, I envied your boyfriend, for being the one you say " I love you. " everyday. How disappointed I were, when I read your blog about a "patent male in your life" and how many times I played with my memories, to become a happy ending. All those good momentums, all etched across my heart, next to my dearest things. And believe me, I did not feel any anger towards you. I kind of left it somewhere along the way, and all I wanted, was to forget.

The feeling of that special kiss, and a phrase, which changed me, changed you. I love you.